Silent Drive Home

I was grateful for the silent drive home today. I was feeling very "don't touch me or talk to me I might break". And I would have. So we got home and I barely made it through my bedroom door, grabbed my pillow and threw my sorrows and body on the bed. Today it is over. My dream. It feels terrible and I don't know how to tell the kids.
We went looking at acreages today. Two actually. Funny how before we even got to either of them that I knew they weren't the ones for us. They are not where we want to grow old. Not where we want to dig deep roots, not where we want to raise our babies, not where we could have a horse, not where some thing deep inside of me skips a beat, just not the one. But I knew that because we had found the one months ago.
So after we drove away from the last acreage, thanked our realtor for his time I asked Tory to drive by THEE acreage...just to dream a little and see. We have been able to do this a lot as the house has been empty for a long long time. It took a single second for everything to crash. There were lights on in the house, a truck parked outside, the drive way was clear, and there was a little pink kids jeep pushed up in the snow and there was a wreath hanging on the front door. The for sale sign is gone.
They breached their contract with their realtor, and broke the contract we had with them as well. It's over, at least for today.
There is a pain in my chest and I don't think it's from the cold I've been fighting.
It doesn't matter anymore that each child had already picked their room, that Tory had picked out the spot where he wanted to build a garage one day, that we had walked around the entire property just to see how long it would take, that we fed and named the cat this summer who they abandoned, that well...It was THE one. It just doesn't matter anymore. This one...has no match.