I was nothing and now I have Purpose

Here are a few of the things by the age of 15 that made me Shawna.
-my mother was an alcoholic
-my father was never there, and when he was, my parents just fought
-my parents divorced when I was 10
-I had moved over 20 times between my divorced parents
-my mother married another man who was alcoholic who sexually, mentally and physically abused her in front of me
-we tried to run away from him twice for her only to go back for more
-I was suicidal
-I was depressed
-I was using alcohol
-I was using drugs
-I had had sex
-I had ran away
-I was in and out of school
-I had scars from slashing my wrists more than once
-Then only to end up in my own physically/sexually/mentally abusive relationship by the age of 15. I was in a cloud of rape and isolation that had no exit sign.
-again suicidal
-I hated my mother and father and myself
-I was a parents WORST nightmare…yet no one said a word to me…no one said a word about the wounds on my wrists, about the weeks of school missed, about coming him drunk, about not coming home at all, about the bruises on my face, about moving out with an alcoholic abusive boyfriend at the age of 15. NOT ONE WORD. No, “Shawna your going to counselling, no Shawna how can we help you, no Shawna we love you, no Shawna stay, NOTHING! Actually they bought me dishes and tea towels. I think they thought this was the best way to get rid of the problem.
-at 18 years old after several relationships filled with abuse, rejection and pain I ended up depressed and feeling very done with life and what boyfriends or family or the world had to offer me. What that looked like - a loss of motivation and drive, switching part time jobs every few months, I didn’t want to get out of bed, I didn’t want to talk to anyone on the phone, and I cried a lot. I really wanted to stop feeling the way I did, yet I had no way to relieve my broken heart. Yet I shared my pain with no one. With no where else to turn, I moved back in with my mom, whom I hadn’t really even talked to for 4 years.

-4 months before my 19th birthday after my friend coxed me out of bed, I went to the bar to find some sort of relief, to have some fun, and crazy as it seems, there I met my husband Tory.

From that moment on, my life started to move in a direction that was exciting, and intoxicating. But not the kind of intoxicating I had known before! I could feel myself falling in love and at the same time terrified of losing him, being rejected, hurt…or more than all those things, alone with only my past whispering in my ear that your just not good enough. And what a past I had by 18 years old. I think something inside me knew that another stab in my heart could be devastating for my life.

At the time I remember coming home from a date and Tory came in…I was in the kitchen with my mom, and I looked at her and whispered “MOM, I think he’s the ONE…I don’t want to screw this up. What do I do? SCARED to death that this relationship would end and I would have to deal with the realization that another person really didn’t love me like they said they did.

So somewhere along the dating road I remember laying in Tory’s arms on the living room floor in the dark…I am sure we were just “talking”. And I said to him that I wanted to tell him everything. And I meant EVERYTHING. I was weeping beyond control at this point. I told him every gory detail of my past…I had NEVER told anyone about being raped, about those years, about all the things I was forced to do, about all the things I did because that’s just what all my friends did. I told myself that no one could love me, especially if they new who and what I really was…But Tory did accept me, it didn’t even seem to be a big deal to him. WHO was this guy? That’s how I knew he was “the” one.

So Tory and I continued to date. We partied every weekend. We went to the bar, we drank, we danced, we “enjoyed” each other, we talked on the phone for hours, we couldn’t get enough of one another. Remember dating girls? I wrote his name in my journal over and over, and practiced what my signature would look like with his last name.
We met at the end of February, and by April his birthday came along. This is when I met Tory’s “other” friends. Tory had drinking buddies, and he had Christian buddies. So on this night we went to a movie with his Christian friends. Out in the parking lot after the movie, one of the girls said “Heh! You guys should come to church with us next Sunday”.
Now let me tell you a little bit about me at this time…I wanted EVERYONE to like me, to think I was amazing, to say wow Tory you picked a good one this time, I was desperate for someone, anyone to think I was worth something, to think I was beautiful, I wanted to be wanted…and I also knew that Tory’s parents were “religious”. So going to church seemed like the next best move ;)

So at that point I said Sure we’ll come! Little did I know what would happen.

We went to church that next Sunday. And I could not believe what I felt. It was a Pentecostal church, and the music was so powerful. I had NEVER in ALL my life felt so over whelmed with love. I don’t remember the songs sang, or the message spoke that day as all as I remember was I felt love. REAL love. Love like I had never felt before. Not an “I love you” from a guy who wants to get in your pants, not an “I love you” from a mother who stays at the bar after work until her 10 year old daughter has to phone to see if she's coming home. Asks her mom if she will come home for supper, mother says yes…but never comes home, not an “I love you” from a friend who sleeps with your boyfriend…I don’t even think I new what love was. Yet this building I was in seemed to feel like home, like I had finally found what I had been longing and searching for my whole life, but I didn’t even know what that really was!
I felt like I never wanted to leave this place, I felt safe, I had to come back. I remember looking around and thinking why would I want what the world had to offer when I could have this…this place where I felt loved. These people WANTED to be here, they were HAPPY.
1 John 4:10 – This is real love. It is not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.
God brought me to that place that day. And even though I did not know Him, He loved me, and he knew me.

So Tory and I continued to party, drinking, and staying at friends houses so we could be together. This happened every Friday and Saturday and we would go to church on Sundays. Until one Sunday morning I finally broke down and told Tory how I really wanted to seek out this “church thing”, with my whole heart. I couldn’t do both life styles, that I didn’t want what the world offered me anymore! I wanted more out of life, I wanted to do things right.

I remember sitting in the church at some point, and just bawling. Tory asked what was wrong. I told him that the things I had done were unforgivable, punishable, that I would carry them forever. That being set free didn’t include me. I thought that God would never allow me to be a mom. I thought that my sexual sin made me unworthy. I didn’t deserve to have a baby, a home, a family. I didn’t deserve to have anything that may have been a desire at all.

Tory leaned over to me and in his own words said this – God has purchased our freedom with his blood and has forgiven ALL our sins. Colossians 1:14

I don’t remember how long I cried but I think it was a very long time. God spoke to me, and stamped those words on my heart…”Shawna I sent my son as a sacrifice to take away ALL your sins, ALL YOUR SINS and by my blood you are FREE. Shawna you are FREE!”

I chose at that point to believe that those words were true and that God loved me, and had some purpose for me. I had no choice, to believe the other would be to accept that I was nothing. I started to believe that God could make something good come of all the bad in my life. Hmmm what a miracle that would be. Could my life be for God’s purpose?
I was free from all that I carried, including the fear of being punished for my sin, and that I was no longer alone. I know I had a choice at that moment. I could stay in my “stuff” with all my baggage and past, or I could hand it over to God who says that it is all paid for.
1 Peter2:21-25
This is the kind of life you've been invited into, the kind of life Christ lived. He suffered everything that came his way so you would know that it could be done, and also know how to do it, step-by-step. He never did one thing wrong, Not once said anything amiss.They called him every name in the book and he said nothing back. He suffered in silence, content to let God set things right. He used his servant body to carry our sins to the Cross so we could be rid of sin, free to live the right way. His wounds became your healing. You were lost sheep with no idea who you were or where you were going. Now you're named and kept for good by the Shepherd of your souls.

I want you to know that at that moment my life changed.


I want to jump to a few years ago… I was pregnant with my 4th child. Well I ended up being hospitalizing sick. Never in my whole life did I feel so useless, powerless, and helpless. I had NO control over my life at all. A good morning was getting toast on the table for the kids and back on the couch with out throwing up. I was a complete mess. I ended up on bed rest at one point not even able to lift my 1 year old out of his crib. My neighbour would come over and help me; she cleaned my bathrooms for me because the cleaners made me throw up. I leaned on so many people, including my husband in ways that made me feel completely useless. I wasn’t able to do anything that I thought was important, or that I thought made me, ME. I stopped spending time with God journaling in the morning, singing on the worship team, I didn’t feel like a good mom, I didn’t feel like a good wife…I didn’t serve at church, I didn’t exercise…basically I stopped “doing”. And I really believed those things were what made me a good person, a good girl, a good wife, a good daughter…The phone rang one night, and even though I told my husband I didn’t want to talk to anyone, he handed me the phone. It was like he knew I needed to hear what this person had to say. It was a friend who I never really talked to, but she felt like God wanted me to know that this season I was going through was for a reason, and I should just rest. That it was ok for me to do that. WHAT! How could it be ok to do nothing? How could God still love me, if I was doing nothing for him? I couldn’t even muster out a prayer for help…I didn’t read my bible…I wasn’t doing a single thing that said I deserve to be loved by God. I defiantly wasn’t the super mom that I strived to be. Yet in his word it says this:
Nothing can ever separate us from His love. Death can’t, and life can’t. The angels can’t, and the demons can’t. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can’t keep God’s love away. Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38, 39

Well I don’t know what that says to you, but to me it was another moment where God stamped His truth on my heart. And he stamped HARD…and I mean that in the way that it was something I so desperately needed to know.
He said this to me; “Shawna, I love you, and there is nothing in this world that I desire more than you. Just you. You are Beautiful (I DID NOT FEEL BEAUTIFUL…pregnant, puking, miserable. Not what my standard would call beautiful), You are worthy of my love, you are a good girl, a good mom, a good wife, a good daughter and there is absolutely NOTHING and I mean NOTHING you could possibly do or not do that could make me love you any more.
Wow! Whether I feel worthy of being loved by God or not, He says I am worthy. NOTHING I do, or DON’T do can separate me from the love of God! Did you hear that? Nothing YOU do or don’t do can separate YOU from the love of God!
I believe it was at this time I learned what Grace meant.
And if we are saved by God’s kindness, then it is not by our good works. For in that case, God’s wonderful kindness would not be what is really is – free and undeserved. Romans 11:6
We named our daughter Grace.

But God was not through with me…

Not long after the baby was born, my husband and I had our 7th anniversary. Well this year 7 would end up to be the hardest time of our marriage. We almost lost our marriage actually. I wanted to leave, I wanted to give up and shut the door…but what I really didn’t want was to look at myself, what I contributed to this mess we were in. Have you ever heard that saying “stop looking at the hole in the wall, and start looking at what caused the hole”?
Well after being confronted with a HUGE hole in the wall…I was totally unwilling to look at myself. I could only see THE HOLE. It took some time and a whole lot of weeping…and crying out to God. And a close friend who helped me to get the strength to say “God I am willing to see, and God I am willing to let my heart be changed.” So soon I began to see, that I put everything in my life before my husband. Such as the children, the baby, sleepless nights, friends, church, ministry, headaches, myself, being tired, being BUSY…the list could go on.
I had in my head that “we” came later…that it was kids now, and I think my husband tried to tell himself that too. But the consequence to that was; it opened the door for the enemy to lie to us, and it set us up to fail. We have free will yes, and we are responsible for our choices, but how much harder would a marriage be, standing alone? If we waited till ‘LATER”, there would be no us. Devastation set in, and horror that I was a failure as a wife. I longed to be on the same page with Tory, and in unity, I longed to have a Godly marriage, where God is the centre of it all…but I thought the last 7 years of my marriage was a lie. Had everything I had been doing, everything I thought was being a good Christian a good wife been wrong? I felt so helpless. And yet I didn’t know where to turn.
In the book I am reading right now Captivating, the author talks about how women are getting the message, “you are here to serve, in the nursery, in the kitchen, on the various committees, in your home, in your community. And women whom we see as examples are doing just that, being sweet, helpful, busy, disciplined, composed, but yet they are tired. What are they teaching us through their lives? That a Godly woman is tired? And guilty? Stasi Eldridge goes on to say that we are all trying to live up to the standards of the proverbs 31 women, yet when do we have time for Friendships, taking walks or reading good books? Our lights go out at night, when do we have sex? Then there is shame, and it seems like there is biblical proof in the proverbs 31 woman that yet again we don’t measure up. Is that supposed to be Godly –that sense that you are a failure as a wife?
Paraphrased from the book Captivating – Staci Eldridge
I am not saying to you that you shouldn’t look at the Proverbs 31 woman as an example, just that this is how I felt, so confused and frustrated that I could not be this perfect person that I set my mind to be. I didn’t know how to be a wife, and yet I didn’t really know any of the women who seemed like Godly examples. And if what I had been doing for 7 years was in my own strength, then what was I to do now?
Well in this valley God had plans to mold me, take me, make me, and shape me. And he did just that. Through a series of events God began to turn a very ugly black hole into something beautiful. Something only He could do.

A dear friend had said to me “if I waited until I “FELT” like forgiving my husband I never would, forgiveness is a choice”. And yet who was I to refuse to forgive, after my heavenly father forgave me! Had I forgotten so soon that God picked me up out of the mud and gave me a new life, everything that I did NOT deserve? I didn’t have to wait until I felt better, or until I felt like loving him. Again I could consciously choose to forgive, and allow God to do the rest. This friend had also told me this equation. The Event + My response = the Outcome. What did this mean for me? That I had the power to change the outcome!
WOW another life altering truth.
It became so apparent that I needed these close women in my life that had gone through similar hard times to walk with me, and support me. Who would challenge me, and yet love me for me.
Another friend had said to me, “Shawna, the best gift you can give your children is your marriage”.
WOW! Did that just sit in my heart as truth! I had never thought that before or heard anything like it. Think about that with me. The best gift you can give your kids is your marriage. Oh how I long to be a Godly example of what husband and wife look like, of what a Godly Woman looks like. I want my children to have all that I didn’t. But it wasn’t going to come out of my own strength. I knew that God would have to help me, but I needed to be willing. And I needed to stop looking to others and to my church to tell me what that was; I needed to look to God, and to listen for his truth. I really ached inside, for I felt like I had nothing to offer anyone, and I grieved for what I thought I was losing. I left my church for a year and I left my home and worked twice a week. I think I thought I would find what I was looking for at another church, that maybe I would find myself, or that I would find people who understood me better. Do you want to know what I found after a year of being in a deep valley? I found that I already had everything I needed right here. Those friends that I left loved me, were here for me, prayed for me, and accepted me for who I was. And after this very long year, I ended up being so dry, but realizing that it was me who didn’t accept me. Now I know that God loved me so much that he allowed me to go through such a dry and confusing time because he wanted me to have more. More of Him, and more of His truth. I held on tight to God’s word, and this became my life verse:

For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need. Philippians 4:13


God took plans that the enemy had, to rob steal and destroy my marriage and made them for good. Thank you Jesus! He also brought my husband and me closer, and both of us know that our marriage is a huge priority, and we have come to love dating again. Dating doesn’t have to cost money, but it is worth budgeting for. We remember why we first loved each other so much and we know that the best gift we can give our children is our marriage. Are we perfect, are things easy, did it all come together over night, NO! God works in His own time. But we no longer stand alone, we stand together with God in the centre. And it says in God’s word that
That all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to HIS purpose. Rom 8:28


At the beginning of my talk I asked you: Have you ever sat and listened to a speaker, and thought…wow I wish I could be like them, talk with confidence like them, and have a story as powerful as theirs, have a story worth telling, a story that had an ending that brought people closer to God, a story that could change lives?

Well I want you to know that God has been working on me for 11 years that I know of, if not all of my 28 years. And that I am a very not perfect woman, but God says
He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it Philippians 1:6
And I believe that he has taken a life that was filled with a lot of not so good things, to use them for His very good plans, and my hope is that he did just that today, and that you received some of His amazing truth.

In telling you all of this, I hope you see my heart. You to, can have the unconditional love of God, forgiveness, freedom, purpose, hope, confidence and Grace. You are never alone, and there is nothing that is to big for God. ALL things have been paid for, and there is absolutely NOTHING that can separate you from the love of God. He is doing a good work in you, and I hope you share your stories, and the truths that God gave you. We are gifts to each other and I believe that God will use all of you for His Glory.

Thanks be to God