Bitter Sweet

9 am this morning I had my teeth cleaned...everything looked good I was even asked if I whiten my teeth which I don't but would like to. There really isn't anything comfortable about getting your teeth cleaned. The metal tools, the scrapping, the poking with a very sharp poky thing up into your gums to check your bone, the sound of your spit being sucked up a tube along with half your lips when you close them, the floss going between your teeth into a part of your gums, pushing back and forth making them bleed (somehow this is very good for them), oh and I can't forget the X-Ray pieces of paper that you have to bite on! Bite down they say! Well when it digs into your gum under your tongue you should stop...nope a little more...hold it...OK good. Now, stick this Styrofoam mouth guard covered in wet foam that tastes like medicated bubblegum in your mouth. My already big lips now almost touching my nose, blue Styrofoam touching the back of my throat, and foam draining down my chin...oh now add that suction tube between the shmoz of lips, Styrofoam and bubblegum foam. Sit 2-3 minutes. Done! Yeah! Hurray!

Nope the doctor said I need to have a tooth looked at because there is some discoloration and may have decay under the enamel. This same tooth showed up last year at my check up too but then it wasn't really a problem. This year there is a change in it enough that they want to fill it. GREAT! So I go to the front to make an appointment...how about now the next guy isn't coming in till 11. Well...OK I guess. So back into the room I go. This time I get the funky glasses and head phones to watch t.v. in comes the Dr...some numbing cream on the back of my jaw...couple pokes....HEART RACING, SHAKING, SWEATING...sit up have to take off my sweater, sunglasses, headphones...can't swallow...breath...breath....Shawna this is normal it is adrenaline from the needles pumping threw your body and will be over in about 3-5 minutes. Fewwwww! Sure enough other than shaking hands my heart slowed back down and I was OK. On went the plastic guard that pushes your lips as wide as humanly possible and after a bunch of horrible high pitched squealing and sucking sounds I was done.

I could not wait to get out of that office. I am pretty sure I would rather give birth than do the following two things. 1. slam my thumb in my husbands truck door and have to use my other hand to open the door to get it out. 2. Have a crazy adrenaline panic attack on a Thur morning not to mention several needles in my mouth. But with that said, the last time I gave birth was almost 5 years ago and I have been told that may not be an accurate statement.

Rushing down the stairs I flung open the door...and...A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!!! I LOVE this time of year!!!!!! I can't explain to you how my heart started to race in a totally different way. I got in the van, sat down, took in a huge deep breath and sat for a second. (don't forget I am totally numb to the tops of my ears, talk like I have had a major stroke, and have lips that look like I was punched out) The sun is shinning so bright today, and it was warm on my face. I love that feeling, it fills me up to the top! I could hear the water running down the man holes, I could almost see the snow melting...I could smell spring in the air! I love it! It brings an excitement to my day that gives me a longing to see the garden centers open at Superstore and Canadian Tire or Home Depot. I know that soon I will see sprigs of green grass start to show up amongst all the brown beat down grass. I know that soon I will hear my precious chickadee singing SPPPPPPPRRRRRRRINNNNNNNNNGSSSSS HEAAAAAAAAAARRRRR! Do you know that song? I know that soon I will have a dozen or so kids ringing my door bell...Can the kids come out and play? I know that soon I will be able to sit on my front step and read Friday's paper b/c the sun will be so warm there. I know that soon I will be putting away the winter clothes and out will come the kids new spring jackets from Costco that they got for Valentines Day and rubber boots! I know that soon I will see swollen buds on my Chokecherry and Mayday, apple, and Aspen trees...a sure tell sign that springs really here! I know that soon I will see little freckles on my kids noses b/c the sun is just that much stronger. I know that soon I will be able to work the soil just enough to stick my sweet peas in the ground! I know that soon all the winter blues will wash away with a spring rain. I know that soon....funny how my dentist's name is Dr.Soon. Ha!

What a crazy morning and what a blessed morning! God you give such good gifts! My tooth is done and my swollen face will recover with in few hours, and you have given me such a beautiful picture of spring today that I will hold on to with anticipation and excitement for the weeks to come!

Thank you God for a BEAUTIFUL day! Thank you for the excitement and anticipation of something new! A new season is on it's way and there isn't anything that can stop it! Thank you so much for loving me lord, I'm in love with the King and it makes my heart want to sing!

Divorce

I have been mulling over what to blog about for a few days now and my heart keeps coming back to the same subject. It isn't about Christmas really, or new years. It is heavy on my heart.

The past few weeks have been crazy with events, excited kids, Christmas wonderlands, wrapping paper, tape, scissors, baking, resting, movies, Jammie's...a whirl wind of things. But one afternoon it all seemed to "pause" for a few hours.

I received an email to pray for my friend. I didn't know what it was about, but I prayed and I prayed then and there. With in a day or so, I found out that her parents were having problems in their marriage, that they were divorcing. That word HIT me. It was like a knife in my heart...divorce.

My parents separated and divorced when I was 10. And my Grandparents divorced when my mom was little too. I look at my oldest daughter now who is 10, and I think sometimes..."if you only knew". Yet in my heart I am so glad she doesn't "know" what it was like to be me or my mom. Our babies have such a short time to be children, and the rest of their lives to be grown up, I don't want to wish it away. In fact I would like to press pause right now, but I can't:)

Anyway, this came as a huge shock to Tory and I. I read and read her blog over a few times. My eyes burned with tears. I was sad, and shocked, and I think I was grieving for each family member represented, oh how I hurt for them. Re-living some of the thoughts I had when my mom told me my daddy was leaving. Although this family is all grown up now, there are grand kids and it is still very real to them I'm sure.

I looked at Tory, and I said "are we next"? Are we going to divorce when are children are all grown up? Will there be nothing left for us when our babies all leave home? Why are so many of our friends parents divorcing at 45-50-60 years old? Are your parents going to divorce? My head was cloudy and racing. We prayed for a miracle.

Reflecting on our first years of marriage, I am amazed that we have made it this far sometimes. See when we would fight I always wanted to "leave". Whether it was for 10 minutes to cool off or to "leave leave" it was always in the back of my head. When your hurt, and fighting, and it sucks, you leave. Get yourself out of the situation. So self centered looking back...me me me.

Well yes those actions can be helpful in certain situations like abusive ones, or if your both in agreement and need to cool off, but it didn't help my marriage. It hurt it, and it hurt Tory. He comes from a family that did not believe in divorce. It IS NOT an option, and it was not an option for him. I came from a family where it was always an option, my parents did it, my grandparents did it, so why wouldn't I too if it was bad enough. But what's bad enough?

All of this to say, that God has so worked on my heart and changed me. I know it will never be any greener anywhere else. And where ever you go you just take the big back pack on your back full of baggage and problems with you. I don't want to deal with my stuff alone! I want my best friend with me. Don't you?

Divorce isn't an option for us or for me. It is a sin. It is not God's will for me and Tory and it will never be! God gave Tory to me and me to him! We are gifts to each other.

Isn't the best gift we can give our kids and each other our marriage?

My heart hurts for the brokenness that seems to be becoming an epidemic of divorce surrounding us in our Christian circle. How is it, that the Christian families that many of my friends looked up to and were mentors and models of Christ to them, are now choosing a different path? A path of divorce or separation?

It is confusing to me and heart wrenching. How can we teach our kids not to smoke if we smoke? Or not to have sex before marriage, or drugs, drinking? How can we give our kids the gift of "choosing" to love even when we don't "feel" like it if we DON'T choose it?

Oh how I need you Lord! I need your wisdom and teaching! I am scared sometimes and desperate for you. I want to get this right! I want my marriage to last! I want to break the cycle of divorce in my family. Thank you lord that your plans for us are so much greater than the plans of the enemy. And maybe our parents are going through this trial so we can see Your truth in all of this. Help me never to lose sight of you in my marriage. Help me to see Tory how you do, to love Him like You do. Lord help the husbands and wives that can't see you in their marriage find you again. Help them choose you, and choose to love again. Lord bring healing where there is brokenness where only you can. And show us all how much we really need you. Lord strengthen our marriages and bind us together with Your love. Lord where there is selfishness in me and hardness, would you break that down, so there is less of me and more of You. I trust you Lord and I lay all of these thoughts in your hands. In Jesus Name Amen

A miracle did come for my friend and her parents. God is real today and he is working in all of us! He is using not so good circumstances and brokenness to Glorify himself. He is building testimonies of His faithfulness and truth! He is good, always Good! And because of prayer, today there is a marriage that rests in His hands. And many children and grandchildren praising Him for it!

Glory be to Our God!